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Someone Else's Kids also acts as an affiliate marketing partner for The Total Transformation Program supplier Legacy Publishing Company.
There are times when your authority as a parent isn’t enough. If your adolescent has escalated to the point of physical abuse and destruction of property—or if he is engaging in risky or dangerous behavior outside the house—you already know you need help. Calling the police on your child poses a risk that you might not be willing to take, but it’s an option you might want to consider. James Lehman tackles this tough subject in a frank one-on-one interview.
“You should not have to live in fear of your child—and you shouldn’t have to live in constant fear of how he will manage in life later on if he’s out of control now.”
EP: Many parents feel powerless to stop their out-of-control adolescent’s behavior. They write to EP and say, “My teenage son is bigger than me, and he threatens me physically. I’m afraid of him. What can I do?” James, what would you say to those parents?
James Lehman: To parents who tell me “I’m afraid of my teen,” I say, “I believe you. These kids can be very scary and threatening. But I think if your child doesn’t respond to your authority, there’s another authority you can call upon if you choose to.”
Kids with behavior problems often make choices that lead to less and less self-control. They’ll say and do things which give you the impression that they’re out of control, but remember: everything they say and do is a choice. And it’s those choices that we need to be concerned about.
Picture your child’s school for a moment—they don’t let him assault people, punch holes in the wall or speak in a verbally abusive way to others there. In fact, all the schools I’ve worked with call the police if a student assaults someone, uses drugs or is destructive. Schools take action because they understand something that parents can lose sight of: kids make the choice to do these things, and as a result, they should be held accountable.
And why do we give somebody a consequence or a reward? To encourage kids to make better choices. If your son can choose to handle his emotions maturely and not curse out his little sister when she’s annoying, that’s a good choice; we want to reward that. If on the other hand, he chooses to be verbally abusive to his sister, the consequence you give him holds him accountable for that choice. So whenever we’re thinking about steps like calling the police, I think the important thing is to understand that kids make choices—your child made the choice to hit you, take drugs or destroy your neighbor’s property. And I believe you should hold him accountable for that by using whatever appropriate means you have at your disposal.
EP: James, what would you say to parents who aren’t comfortable with taking this action?
JL: I know that many parents are alarmed at the idea of calling the police on their kids. And believe me, I really understand that. You’re getting the law and the government involved in your home. Many people are afraid that if they call the police, they’ll lose control of the whole process. I also think there’s a social stigma attached to it; many parents are embarrassed by what their neighbors will think if they see the police at their house. They also may feel ashamed of themselves; they question themselves and wonder why they can’t handle their own kid.
I want to be very clear here: it’s tough for parents to call the police and it’s a very personal decision. It’s not for everyone, and if this option does not work for you or your family, then I think you should listen to your gut feeling. I really think everybody has to honor the choice of the parents. After all, you have to live with yourself for a long time. 30 years from now, your child’s teachers and counselors won’t remember him, but you will, and you want to act in a way that you won’t regret later.
EP: James, let’s say a parent has decided that they would be willing to take that risk. How do they know when it’s time to call the police? In other words, what behavior would constitute a good reason for taking this action?
JL: I think you call the police when safety is an issue or when the behavior crosses the line and becomes criminal. This includes when things are getting broken and when people are getting threatened or hurt. To be more specific, if your child grabs a book and throws it across the room, I don’t think you call the police. But if he punches holes in the wall or breaks something on purpose, I think you tell him “Next time you lose control like that, I’m going to call the police.” And if he does it again, you follow through.
To put it another way, I think you should consider calling the police when you see a pattern of behavior that’s unsafe and threatening to others. Make it clear to your child that “This is the consequence for abusive, destructive or criminal behavior.” And hopefully he will learn from that consequence and make a different choice next time. I think it’s very black and white. When you have a child who is willing to violate the rules of your household—a child who’s willing to climb out the window and stay out all night, break his sister’s iPod, punch holes in the wall or push his father or mother or siblings—you need to take very strong action. Believe me, you have a child who’s really in an awful lot of trouble as a person.
Don’t forget, one of the things about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that the trauma comes from feeling like you didn’t have any control over the pain or the stressor. And I think that siblings who grow up with a violent, destructive or explosive brother or sister can be traumatized because they don’t know when they’re going to get hit, pushed or verbally abused next. I know from personal experience that many siblings of kids who act out—the brothers and sisters of kids who are assaultive, abusive or destructive—develop PTSD-like symptoms. That’s the bottom line.
When I hear from parents in this situation, I think of the terms “domestic violence” and “domestic abuse.” And that’s what it is, because somebody in your home is taking advantage of weakness and physically assaulting family members. I think that’s when you have to ask yourself, “What do I have to do keep my family safe here? And what am I going to do to help my child learn that he can’t behave this way anymore?” For me, calling the police is part of the equation, because they can exercise greater power than you can over your child.
By the way, if this is a choice you’re willing to make, I think you have to let kids know what you’re planning to do. When things are going well, you can say, “The other night you pushed your mother. If that happens again, I’m calling the police.” It’s important to have that kind of plan in place. Let’s say you don’t have a plan and you wind up hitting your child in self-defense. You’re the one who will be arrested and penalized. And not only may you wind up in jail, but the courts are going to blame you for all your kid’s previous problems.
I think you should tell your child you’re planning to do this and I think you have to be very clear. But remember, if you tell him you’re planning to do it, you better well do it. If you don’t, then it’s just another joke; it’s just another bluff. And every time that you bluff your child, he will get more contemptuous of your authority—that’s just human nature.
But the bottom line is that you should not have to live in fear of your child—and you shouldn’t have to live in constant fear of how he will manage later on in life if he’s out of control now.
EP: What about parents who are worried that their child will be sent to a juvenile detention center; that he’ll have a record that will follow him for the rest of his life?
JL: I think those are legitimate fears. I can’t in good conscience tell you those things won’t happen, because they do. But in my 25 years of working with the juvenile justice system, I’ve found that the wheels of justice turn very slowly. If the police come, they might write a report, but they can’t do anything if you don’t want to press charges. And they’ll usually encourage you not to press charges the first or second time you call them. Look at it this way: nobody wants to take custody of your son or daughter; nobody wants to take responsibility for your teenager.
Why are you calling the police? You’re calling them to give your adolescent a strong message that you’re not going to tolerate his behavior and you’re not helpless. I think that if the behavior continues, parents should press charges—especially if a parent or another sibling gets hurt. Press charges, because nobody goes to jail on their first charge; it just doesn’t happen that way. Certainly, your child is not going anywhere if he has a family. The state doesn’t want to pay for him; they’re going to try all kinds of non-institutional resources. Hopefully they’ll set you and your child up with counseling.
EP: What if you call the police, but the behavior continues?
JL: If the abusive, destructive or criminal behavior continues, the main thing that you want is for your child to be held accountable on another level. One way the courts do that is by putting your child on probation. Having a probation officer adds another dimension of accountability. Now if your child punches a hole in the wall, not only do you tell him to stop, but you call his probation officer. When your teen meets with him, the probation officer says, “Your mom told me you punched a hole in the wall. I thought we said you were going to work on that. I thought you promised me you weren’t going to do that anymore.” Think of the probation officer as another level of authority.
I’ve seen probation officers and judges work out plans for kids who are aggressive and violent. They’ll put them in “juvie” for a weekend or two. It can be very effective. They don’t send the child away forever. After his time is up, they bring him back to court and say, “So what do you think? You think you can stop hurting people?” If the kid smarts off, they send him back for another weekend. They’re trying to teach him to be accountable. Ideally a counselor or therapist points out, “You’re not punching any holes in the walls here. What’s different is we’re holding you accountable and you know we won’t tolerate your disrespect or abuse. You’re making different choices about how you treat people and property. You can punch a wall here, but you’re choosing not to. Now let’s figure out how you can make those same choices at home.”
That’s how coping skills are developed by professionals. These punishments and consequences are all designed to teach your child to make different choices; hopefully those choices will be healthy and safe.
EP: What about getting a permanent record?
JL: Parents ask me, “Will my child have a record for the rest of his life?” I’m sure the fact that they’ve been in detention or had a probation officer will be written down somewhere. But if something happens before your child is 16, in most states, that gets sealed when they become adults; there’s no access to it and the public can’t find out about it.
I understand that parents don’t want their kid to have a record. That’s what you have to weigh out and struggle with. Ask yourself, “Is this behavior dangerous enough that it warrants me taking this action? How dangerous is he, really?” Personally, I’d rather have a child learn to be in control of himself and have a juvenile record than be out of control and have no apparent future.
Many kids blackmail their parents by saying, “If you call the police, I’ll get a record.” Or “They’re going to send me to juvie.” They manipulate their parents this way. But I think if the abusive, assaultive, destructive behavior doesn’t change, your child is going to have a lot more problems than whether or not he has a juvenile record. Make no bones about it; some day he’s going to get an adult record. Out-of-control juvenile behavior becomes criminal behavior the day he turns 18.
EP: Any other reasons to call the police on your child?
JL: Another issue that I think parents have to think about is crime. This would include possession and selling of drugs or stolen property. I think you can say ahead of time, “I can’t stop you from using drugs and if you’re high, you’re high. I can’t tell the difference and I’m not going to play detective. But if I find drugs, I’m calling the police.”
If the police come over to your house and find some pot, they’re usually not going to arrest your kid. They’re going to warn him, because a quarter an ounce of marijuana is nothing to the police. You want to give your child the impression that you’re just not going to sit by and let him throw his life away. But again, it’s a strictly personal decision.
EP: How can you expect your child to react afterward?
JL: When things are calmed down the next day, your kid is going to be mad at you. He’ll say, “You stabbed me in the back.” He’s going to feel a sense of betrayal, but that’s what bullies do. When you stand up to them, they feel like you’ve betrayed them and that they’re the victim.
I think when things are going well, you want to say, “If you make different choices, we never have to call the police again. But if you assault somebody, if you break people’s stuff, if you bring drugs into the house, if we feel intimidated by you, or if I’m afraid somebody’s going to get hurt, I’m calling the police. And I just want you to know that.”
What your child will learn to say is, “So what, they won’t do anything anyway.” But I think you say, “That may be, but I’m still going to keep calling them.” And here’s the deal: every time you call, you’re adding to the paper trail on your child. You want to create that so there’s clear documentation that he is out of control. I also think that it’s important for parents to follow through on their plans. Say, “Well I don’t know if the authorities are going to do anything, but I’m doing something. I’m calling the police.”
EP: James, Is there anything else parents should know?
JL: I think that it’s just very difficult to raise a child, especially if they have behavior problems. But it’s important for parents to know and remember that these kids make choices. Even when they seem overwhelmed by feelings, they’re making conscious choices—although that’s not what they want you to believe. They want you to believe that they were overwhelmed by anger and so they really couldn’t control themselves. That’s an out-and-out lie. They’re making choices all the time, and I think one way or another they need to be held accountable for those choices. If they don’t respond to the level of accountability that they’re held to, when they become adults, the game gets very serious and the consequences are severe: you lose jobs; you get arrested for possession; you go to jail for stealing.
Challenging kids who have out-of-control behavior patterns is not for the faint of heart because they strike back forcefully. Every now and then you’re faced with a really tough decision. Hopefully you have knowledgeable people to talk to and access to learning tools. In any case, it’s a tough job being a parent and there’s not a lot of community support for that role nowadays.
Again, calling the police is one of the options parents should seriously consider, but it’s not the only option. And if parents take that off the table, for whatever reason, that’s perfectly sound judgment. Many, many parents choose not to exercise that option, and I support them. That being said, calling the police should be something people consider, and either reject or accept. Remember, you have the same right to protection from crime in your home as you do out of your home. It’s not as if the law is different. We should have the same expectations of our children.
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James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent more effectively. James’ foremost goal was to help kids and to “empower parents.” |
Someone Else's Kids also acts as an affiliate marketing partner for The Total Transformation Program supplier Legacy Publishing Company.
Alternative Sources Of Funding To Pay For College Tuition
One of the scariest aspects for parents of graduating seniors in thinking about there children going off to college (other than the fact that they will be leaving home for the first time) is the realization of the outrageous heights that college tuition has soared to over the years. Parents who are thinking of their own college days and expecting to pay similar tuition rates are in for a shock.
Luckily, tuition relief is available. Scholarships and grants are an important source of funding for a student and his or her family. They should not be overlooked. Unlike student loans which need to be paid back or part time jobs which take time and focus away from coursework, scholarships and grants are usually free and clear once a student has met the requirements to receive the money. I also like the fact that scholarships are a reward for previous academic achievement and/or a reward for completing a creative task (such as writing and essay or producing video) as part of the application process . That it not to say that locating and procuring grant money and scholarship awards is going to be easy. In fact, without the help of a website like ScholarshipsOnline.org, the scholarship search can be an overwhelming task.
ScholarshipsOnline.org is a great resource for parents to get the ball rolling in finding out what kind of grants and scholarship award funding is available for their children. It is worth it for all parents to take a look at the site. They will discover all kinds of scholarships that their kids might qualify which they otherwise wouldn’t know exist. I like how the site is organized. It is easy to search based on area of study, name of scholarship or sponsoring organization, or the all important application deadline. There is also a section of 100 quick tips broken down into several categories.
Someone Else's Kids also acts as an affiliate marketing partner for The Total Transformation Program supplier Legacy Publishing Company.
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Doing the hard work related to deciding on a wedding theme? These astounding personalizable wedding envelope stamps great for wedding industry consultants. Peruse of wedding envelope postage stamps designed with event symbols such as pretty flowers.
I like the bright colors in this stamp. The tulips are pretty and the blue background makes me think of the sky with the flowers growing against it.
Simply change the letter to match your name and you can easily personalize this postage stamp.
Calling this stamp “an unfolding beauty” is very insightful and artistic. It is a nice way to describe a rose opening and letting out the floral fragrance.
Someone Else's Kids also acts as an affiliate marketing partner for The Total Transformation Program supplier Legacy Publishing Company.
Are you tired of disrespectful talk from your kids? Do your children respond with eye-rolling and sarcasm to everything you say? Most—if not all—kids go through phases when they are sassy, mouthy, or disrespectful. As a parent, it’s hard to know when to let it slide—and when to address the problem. James Lehman explains where to draw the line—and tells you how you can manage sassy talk in your home.
If you don’t respond to a behavior and give it power, the more likely that it will become extinct; it’s going to die out like the dinosaurs.
Parents often ask me, “How do you differentiate between disrespectful, sassy or ‘fresh’ language and abusive language?” I believe these behaviors are found on a continuum—let’s call it the “Inappropriate Verbal Response Continuum.” They are triggered by your child’s emotions: primarily frustration, anger and a need to get back at others when he thinks something is unfair. On one end of the continuum is abuse. The intent of abusive language is generally a personal attack upon another person. It’s meant to hurt the other person and make them feel small and afraid. Verbal abuse often includes foul language and disturbing threats of violence designed to intimidate the other person to get them to give in.
Kids who use abusive language and behavior want to attack you so that they can control you. They don’t care about consequences; they’re not intimidated by them. Abusive behavior has to be handled very clearly and sternly. (I won’t be addressing verbally abusive attacks in this article. If your child’s behavior is verging on—or has already entered into the verbal abuse stage, please read “Kids Who Are Verbally Abusive: The Creation of a Defiant Child” and “How to Stop Threats and Verbal Abuse” in EP.)
Responding to Disrespectful Comments
Why do kids talk to adults in disrespectful ways? I believe children and teens do a lot of things because they don’t know how to express emotions appropriately. They learn a lot from watching other kids and people around them. If your daughter is frustrated and doesn’t know how to show it, and she sees somebody else roll their eyes and make a face, she’ll absorb that lesson without even thinking about it. Then the next time she’s frustrated at home, she’ll roll her eyes and make a face at you. If she gets a reaction, that will often just reinforce the behavior, because she knows she’s gotten to you. Don’t kid yourself: if you threaten your child by saying, “Don’t do that to me, young lady, or you’ll be grounded,” that will only make her do it more.
When my son was in middle school, for some reason he went through a period where he said, “Oh, sure,” to everything in a sarcastic way. I responded to him once or twice by saying, “Is something wrong? Why are you using that tone with me?” And he said, “What tone? I don’t know what you mean.” I said, “I just don’t like the way you’re talking to me; try to talk better.” His answer? “Oh, sure.” I became a little frustrated, but I also knew better than to show it. I didn’t want to empower that behavior—or necessarily stifle it. Instead, my wife and I allied ourselves together and were able to laugh it off; eventually, it wore itself out.
And that’s the important thing to remember here. If you respond to mildly annoying behavior in a strong way repeatedly, you give it power and strength. As your child gets into adolescence, he’ll start to find ways to push your buttons. When you confront him, he’ll say very innocently, “What did I say? What did I do?”
I personally think that the less you challenge it, the less you give it power. Remember, the less power you give it, the more it’s going to die its natural death. That process is called “extinction.” If you don’t respond to a behavior and give it power, the more likely that it will become extinct; it’s going to die out like the dinosaurs. But if you feed the behavior and play with it, you’ll only nurture the disrespect. In my opinion, the worst thing you can do is challenge it inconsistently: let’s say sometimes you let it slide and then sometimes you confront your child. When you do that, those behaviors tend to become more entrenched. I understand that many times it’s not easy to ignore mildly disrespectful behavior. That’s why I think it’s helpful if you can talk to your spouse, a friend or relative about it.
How to Respond to Sarcasm
In the middle of the inappropriate verbal response continuum is sarcasm. Kids generally manifest this in two ways. They either make sarcastic comments when they’re feeling like they’re under pressure, or they use chronic sarcasm as a way to manage their angry feelings safely. By “safely” I mean it’s safer to show their anger through sarcasm than it is through any other means they’ve learned.
Usually sarcasm is learned and modeled by adults, and so part of the response to sarcasm in kids is for the adults to speak differently. Many times when adults are angry at their kid’s performance, they make sarcastic comments. These comments are hurtful and kids develop a defense to that by becoming sarcastic themselves. You’ll see kids who are really cynical and sarcastic using that language in all areas of their life. Its function is to help them deflect any blame while downloading a piece of anger onto the person who’s the target.
By the way, I like it when comedians use sarcastic humor, but not when a child or adult talks to me that way, because it’s belittling. That feeling cuts down on communication. All these mechanisms—sarcasm, disrespect, sassy talk—curtail communication. When you see this behavior, you have to ask yourself, “What’s being communicated that’s making my child respond that way?” It’s usually not hard to discover what your child is threatened by that leads to sarcasm. Sometimes it’s a secret, sometimes it’s a task he hasn’t completed, and sometimes it’s a power struggle. Whatever it is, once you’ve identified it, it becomes much easier to defuse. “Don’t be sarcastic” is an appropriate thing to say. A really good question to ask is, “How come you get sarcastic whenever we talk about your history homework?” It’s effective because it both identifies the issue and puts your child on the spot.
A very powerful way to respond to sarcasm is to simply say, “Don’t talk to me that way, I don’t like it,” and turn around and walk away. That way, you’re taking all the power out of the room with you. If you argue or try to make a point, you’re giving your child more power. Another effective way of managing it is to say, “Why do you get sarcastic when I ask you about homework?” If your child says, “I don’t get sarcastic when I talk about homework,” then say, “Fine, then let’s keep going. I expect you not to be sarcastic.” If, on the other hand, your child says, “I get sarcastic because you don’t understand,” you can say, “It’s your job to make me understand. And sarcasm doesn’t help.”
When Your Child Uses Sarcasm with Siblings
When your kids use this kind of language with each other, I know it’s hard as a parent to stay out of it—but you may be surprised to hear that I think you really have to try. It’s important for all your kids to learn how to stand up for themselves. Believe me, they’re going to get it in the schoolyard, on the school bus, or in the classroom no matter what. That doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t make it good. But the bottom line is that they need to build up a callous to these kinds of comments. Think of it this way: at the beginning of the summer, using a shovel hurts. You get blisters, and your hands are sore and tender. After awhile, they get calloused and then they don’t hurt anymore. That’s exactly what you want your kids to do with mildly sarcastic comments.
When something rubs your child the wrong way, try to not jump in there unless something is being said that’s really abusive, disgusting or demeaning. If that’s happening and your child escalates, intervene immediately and pull that child aside. Give him a choice of two things at that time: to either change his language, or be removed from the group. Calling your child aside is important because often the embarrassment being corrected in front of another kid or children can cause him to escalate even further. If he does, you’ll need to deal with it, but you don’t want to promote the likelihood of that happening in the first place. Is it the end of the world if you give your child a consequence in front of the other kids? No, but I think those things are best dealt with privately. If your goal is to get him to change his behavior, separating him from others gives him a better chance of hearing what you’re saying.
“Duh! Nice one, Mom.”
It’s easy and natural to become irritated when your kid says, “Nice one, Mom,” or “Duh.” This is where you have to draw the line between what kind of disrespect requires your attention and what doesn’t. I think that things that are not a personal attack or which are not meant to demean you can be handled by just trying to ignore them. “Planned ignoring” is the key here. Planned ignoring is the concept where you decide consciously to ignore attention-seeking behaviors as long as they’re not overtly harmful or abusive to others.
This is tricky, because there are also terms which might be considered mild by some, but which are actually put downs that I believe you need to address. When your child says, “That’s stupid,” to you, make no mistake—he means you’re stupid. And by the way, when you tell your child “That’s stupid” and he says, “Don’t call me stupid,” I don’t think you should try to play some word game with him. If you say, “Well, I didn’t say you were stupid, I said the behavior was stupid,” your child is going to see right through that. My advice is, don’t use the word “stupid” in a sentence when you’re dealing with your child unless you want him to feel stupid. There are plenty of other words that are not demeaning. And by the same token, if your child says, “That’s stupid,” you don’t have to say, “Are you calling me stupid?” You can say very clearly, “There’s no name calling around this house.” I believe there should be a consequence for name calling. Set limits on it very clearly and hold your child accountable. Every time he says the word “stupid,” to someone in the family, for example, he goes to bed 15 minutes earlier or has 15 minutes less TV time. He should be held accountable from the get go.
When Your Child Says, “Do It Yourself.”
When you ask your child to do something, and he comes back with “Do it yourself,” I think your response should be very clear: “I’m not going to do it myself. I told you to do it, and you will have the following consequence until you do it.” For younger kids, you might take away a toy until they’ve complied. For older kids, you might take away video games, TV, their cell phone or iPod. In the Total Transformation Program, I call this technique, “Stop the Show.”
If your child gets rude and says, “I’m not going to do it; this isn’t my chore,” you can say, “Well, I asked you to do it and I want you to do it now.” Don’t get into whose chore it is. If the noncompliance persists, then the show stops. In other words, whatever your child is doing is over for the time being. Have your child take a seat in his room without any kind of stimulation around like music or a computer. Understand that when kids get over-stimulated, they get stuck. So the first step in getting them “unstuck” is to avoid stimulating them by demanding things. Rather, take away all the stimuli that you can. Sending them to their rooms and shutting off electronics helps. Research shows that after three minutes with no stimulation, your child’s body slows down. So wait for a few minutes, and then go in and say, “Let’s talk about this.” Don’t say, “Do you want to talk about it?” Sometimes we ask kids questions when we don’t really want them to make a decision. So try saying, “Let’s talk about this. I asked you to mow the lawn. You won’t be able to come out of your room until you agree to do it. Would you like to do it now or do you want to stay in your room a little longer?” And if he says, “No, I’m not doing it,” then say, “Okay, let me know when you’re ready,” and leave the room. If he wants his privileges back, he will comply eventually.
When Kids Are Fresh in Public
These days, adolescents have less fear of being sassy, mouthy or disrespectful to their parents and other adults in public. I think if they’re acting that way in public, then you can correct them in public. Say, “Don’t talk to me that way, I don’t like it.” If the rude attitude doesn’t stop, then take them to the car.
If your child is being smart alecky to other adults, you can use the same technique. Say “Don’t talk to Mrs. Smith that way, I don’t like it.” If your child persists, you can say, “Let’s go. Goodbye, Mrs. Smith.” Take your child and leave. By the way, if it’s another parent’s child being rude to you, I still think you can say, “Don’t talk to me that way Tommy, I don’t like it.” Then turn away from him. Use very simple, matter-of-fact behavior. Have a serious look on your face; you don’t have to look mean or angry, but don’t look like you’re cracking a joke either.
By the way, I don’t believe in giving your child a second or third chance when he’s nasty or rude to you. I think this creates bad habits in kids. From the time you start giving him chances, your child will say to himself, “Well, the first one is free, so I won’t get in trouble if I call my mom a name.” I know it may be heartbreaking at first not to give your child a second chance, but that’s the best way for him to learn.
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James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent more effectively. James’ foremost goal was to help kids and to “empower parents.” |
Someone Else's Kids also acts as an affiliate marketing partner for The Total Transformation Program supplier Legacy Publishing Company.
Customizable Invitation Postage
Getting ready for finalizing wedding details? These inventive designer wedding postage are used by wedding planners. Browse a sampling of postage for weddings showcasing special day drawings like monograms.
This is perhaps the ultimate example of a wedding envelope seal. I just love the seamless combination if photo and design. It has a classic look that is also timeless.
Make sure they know which date to reserve for your special event.
Speaking of classic and timeless (as well as a convenient and perfect match to the envelope seal shown above), this postage stamp goes with every color and style of wedding invitations.
Someone Else's Kids also acts as an affiliate marketing partner for The Total Transformation Program supplier Legacy Publishing Company.
How many times has this happened to you? You set a limit on behavior, and your kids ask, “Why?” or ignore your limits entirely. Or perhaps it’s a war of inches—your adolescent tests you by coming in a few minutes later past curfew each time he goes out. Then he accuses you of being petty when you enforce the limit with a consequence. No matter the method, it’s infuriating for parents when their kids push against the structure they set. And for some parents, it’s hard to limit their child’s behavior in the first place. How can you set limits effectively and get your kids to listen? James Lehman explains how in this article.
Most kids have a whole monologue going on in their heads that says, “I can do it; it’s no big deal; why won’t she let me?”
All emotionally healthy kids test limits. It’s a normal thing for kids to do as they develop—and in my opinion, it’s actually a good thing for them to do. Problems often emerge when parents don’t feel comfortable setting limits in the first place or when kids don’t learn to negotiate for changes in those limits, and act out instead. And kids certainly develop different ways of testing limits that can be inappropriate and unacceptable.
I believe part of the job for parents is to train their kids how to accept limits. But I also think parents need to allow for their children to challenge and test limits in a healthy way. I think that kids should always test limits. Parents often ask me, “Will this ever stop?” And I say, “It shouldn’t. But what should stop is any kind of manipulation or intimidation that your child is using.”
Setting limits is a two-way street. In one way, the harder your child pushes, the more we should be asking, “Is he ready for more responsibility?” and “Am I, as a parent, ready for different limits?” Think of it this way: butterflies have to push their way out of the cocoon; the cocoon is the limit on the butterfly. In the same way, your limits are the cocoon on your child. He’s going to get out someday and grow and move on. But it’s good to make sure that he pushes a little and shows that he’s really ready. And you can only tell if he’s ready by how much he struggles or how much maturity he shows. The scary fact is that in order for kids to grow functionally and emotionally, adults have to take risks.
When your child starts to get into the teen years, he will often begin to rebel against limits more forcefully; getting kids to listen is hard because they don’t think they need them. And parents often want their kids to understand their motivation. But I want to be clear here: parents cannot seek validation from their kids. Among other things, the risk of being disappointed is always there. Seek validation from other parents, or in what you read here. Seek validation by being able to change how you parent. But if you seek validation from your kids, it’s a fruitless chase—and you’re giving them too much power.
Being a limit setter is not always easy or fun. Some parents rely on it too much, and are overly rigid with rules. They over-utilize limits and don’t develop the teaching and coaching roles of parenting. Instead of being a limit setter, they have taken on the “Punisher” role. And some parents don’t use it enough; they just don’t know how to draw that line effectively. I understand that; it’s often something you have to feel your way through.
Certainly the “Limit Setter” is one of the roles of effective parenting—along with the Teacher Role and the Coaching Role—that is important to have in your tool kit. I believe these three roles integrated together can help almost anyone be an effective parent.
Here are some specific guidelines I give parents to help them set limits effectively—and stick by them.
Decide Where the Line Is: As a limit setter, your job is to draw the line at the point where things become unsafe or unhealthy. Sometimes you might go with your instincts and do it without thinking about it too much: if your young child is crawling towards the stove, you react by getting him out of harm’s way. As kids develop, parents often employ this kind of “reaction limit setting.” That might work well when your child is young, but as parents of older kids and teens know, it gets much trickier as time goes by.
Often, your young child won’t understand the consequences you give him when he crosses the line. In fact, whether your child is three or eighteen, limit setting is one of those things that he probably won’t understand. Instead, he thinks, “Why can’t I do what I want? I could handle it if only they’d leave me alone.And if you try to get him to agree with your reasoning, you’re often met with deaf ears. I think if you want your child to accept your limits, you’re asking for too much. Most kids have a whole inner monologue going on in their heads that says, “I can do it; it’s no big deal; why won’t she let me?” As a limit setter, your attitude has to be, “I’m your parent, and my job is to keep you safe and healthy. This is the way it is.” Don’t hesitate to set firm limits in the areas of health and safety.
Plan Ahead: I suggest you think ahead and plan out what kind of limits you want to set. To be the limit setter is to decide what a healthy, safe environment is and then be willing to enforce it. Your first way of enforcing it is through verbal directions and reprimands. If your child has a hard time responding to your direction, one of the things that you can fall back on is a consequence structure.
Consequences and Rewards: Consequences are a way of maintaining limits; rewards are a way of keeping hope going and expectations high. Consequences are also a way of responding when your child tests limits too forcefully. Come up with a menu of rewards and consequences for your child and have it ready to use when you need it. Remember, kids don’t test limits because they’re kids; they do it because they’re human. Human beings always look to the next horizon; it’s just part of what makes us who we are.
Teaching Right from Wrong: Don’t forget, kids are not little adults, they’re kids. They process information very differently. They sense their feet are on the ground, but they don’t know right from wrong as clearly as we think they do. And certainly in times of stress— when they’re afraid, frustrated or angry—their sense of right and wrong gets lost in the shuffle. It’s our job as parents to keep them focused on what’s right and what’s wrong: what they can and can’t do.
Internalizing Good Behavior: Setting limits on your child is a way to help him internalize good behavior. You set limits by telling your child “no” and explaining why once. You tell him what the consequences are going to be if the behavior continues. The next time he does it, you give him the consequence that you laid out. Ideally, he learns to weigh out the cost-benefit ration of following the limits on his own. In that way, you’re helping your child set limits on himself.
Don’t forget, adults are expected to set limits on themselves all the time. You’re expected to set a limit on how you talk to others—you’re not supposed to depend on somebody else to say, “Don’t be rude.” That process is called “internalization.” When kids see their parents setting limits, eventually they absorb those limits and use them as their own. Let’s say you tell your child, “Talk nicely to your sister,” but he doesn’t listen, so you set a limit. If necessary, you give him a consequence. When he finally starts to talk nicely to his sibling on his own, what has happened is that he’s borrowed your limit; he’s internalized it. In other words, it’s inside of him now; he’s taken in this lesson. So kids learn to internalize the limits that we teach them. And if you don’t teach limits, what your child internalizes is chaos—and you’ll see it in his behavior.
Limits Give Kids Security: It’s also important to know that parental limits give kids a sense of security—even if your child is rebelling against them. Think of it this way: limits are the structure. Your house has walls and stairs and a roof, and that’s the structure. It keeps your family safe, warm and dry. Limits are like the emotional structure for your kid. Sometimes he’s going to pound on that wall or try to walk through it. How you respond to that is critical. I see a lot of parents actually get stuck in a cycle where they want their kids to like them. They’re afraid their children won’t love them if they set limits. That fear permeates how they act with their children. So they don’t say “no” sternly enough, or often enough. They never want their child to feel uncomfortable, and they bend over backwards so that won’t happen.
Learn to Let Your Child Feel Discomfort: When you set a firm limit on your younger child and he’s upset by it, you have to learn to let him cry. You have to learn to let him go to his room and throw stuffed animals around. Many parents are very uncomfortable with that. I can’t tell you how many parents are worried their kids won’t love them. I think part of that is because we’re in a very negative society nowadays, where teens and kids and young adults talk really rudely to their parents. Parents don’t want their kids to treat them that way; they’re also afraid their kids are going to hate them. But let me be clear: if you’re a good enough parent, your kid will love you as long as he has the capacity to love. Remember, human beings respond to love with love. The fear of, “Is he going to love me or not,” shouldn’t motivate parents, although it does.
Will your child love you more if you set limits? Who knows? But the fact is that human beings want to love people who are loving to them. It’s part of our nature. And so if you’re reasonable, your child will love you. Again, if you set limits in a hateful way, if you’re resentful and nasty and cranky all the time, he’s not going to want to be around you.
Know How You Present Yourself to Your Child: It’s important that you’re firm with your child from early on. I also think it’s important to know what you look like when you’re being firm; you don’t want to look too scary. Practice in the mirror. Watch how you say things; notice the look on your face.
I give parents a lot of guidelines around this because the bottom line is, if the look on your face is demeaning or harsh, then it won’t teach your child a lesson—it will only hurt his feelings. Remember, kids’ feelings get hurt like everybody else’s. It’s important that they perceive the person setting the limits as somebody who’s being reasonable and calm. If you’re screaming when you set a limit, you’ve waited too long.
Parents should set limits clearly and calmly. You can be as forceful as you want, but your tone and your face should not be mean or resentful. If you feel that way, which I understand is normal, go spend a few quiet minutes alone until you’re ready to do speak calmly. And then go back and set the limit.
Over-explaining your rationale to your child is really not the way to go, because then you’re training your child to be a lawyer. Just explain why and set the limit. You can say, “That’s the way it is.” Don’t let the limits you’ve set turn into a power struggle, and don’t allow your child to think that he can argue you out of what you’ve decided.
Older Kids and Teens: As kids get bigger, their urgency to test limits and get their way becomes more intense and their ability to defy you becomes greater. If you have a five-year-old and you set limits on him, he has no place to go but to his room. If you have a 15-year-old and you set limits on him, he can go to his room and climb out the window—he can defy your limits very easily. It becomes much more of a challenge when kids get older.
If it looks like your child is going to test a limit—or if he already has—sit down with him and talk about it. Say, “I’m wondering why you didn’t come home on time. Your curfew is 10 p.m. and you violated it.” If your child says, “Well, that’s not fair;10 o’clock is too early,” You can say, “Well, let’s do this then. If you can come home on time every day for a month, then we’ll talk. We’ll sit down and I’ll listen to what you think is fair; we’ll work something out. But that’s the only way to change the limits without consequences around here.”
If your child wants to talk about the limits, then try to hear what he’s saying. It might be, “Hey, I have to come home at 10 p.m., all my friends stay out till 12. I don’t think it’s fair, blah, blah, blah.” Don’t defend your position. Just say, “Well, I think 10 p.m. is safe. If you think you can stay safe, then let’s try 10:30.” Or say to your child, “How late do you think you should stay out?” And if it’s 12, you can say, “That’s great, 12 o’clock would be our goal, then. We’re not going to start at 12, but I’m willing to start at 10:30. And let’s try that for two weeks and see how you do.” So incrementally, this gives your child a mechanism to test limits and change limits without being defiant.
Parents need to know that their child will love them even if they set limits—and perhaps even more so. If you’re not waiting for your child to validate you, then it’s okay if he gets angry and frustrated and doesn’t like the limits you impose on him. Remember, the place to get validation and forgiveness is not from your child.
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James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent more effectively. James’ foremost goal was to help kids and to “empower parents.” |
Someone Else's Kids also acts as an affiliate marketing partner for The Total Transformation Program supplier Legacy Publishing Company.
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