Total Transformation Review

I have to say that I was surprised to find that screaming is listed among the ineffective parenting roles in the Total Transformation Behavior Program. It’s not that I necessarily thought that screaming was that effective, but just that it seemed insignificant or irrelevant to me.

I remember years ago in a communications class talking about screaming from a communications research point of view. In that class, the consensus was that screaming was one style of communications that some people employ and that in and of itself, there was no value judgment on it, it could only be judged effective or ineffective communications if it got its point across and achieved the desired effect as the message was transferred from giver to receiver.

Accepting that definition, one must ask what message does a parent or other screamer want to get across?

If the idea is to convey anger and frustration, then screaming works quickly and effectively. (Special note on this: This only applies if screaming is sporadic and reserved for “special occasions.” If it becomes the dominant means of communications between two people, it loses its effectiveness or “shock value” as it becomes commonplace.)

Discover why James Lehman doesn’t advocate screaming in the Total Transformation System or read on for more of the blog author’s analysis and opinion on Screaming Parents.behavior problem, child, children, dad, father, fatherhood, james lehman, kids, legacy parenting, mom, mother, motherhood, parenthood, parenting, parents, raising children, raising kids, teenagers, teens, total transformation, total transformation behavior, total transformation course, total transformation program, total transformation review

James Lehman and the Total Transformation parents on the CD were talking about the concept of learned helplessness which means that kids (or adults for that matter) actually don’t learn how to do something when someone else constantly does it for them or excuses them from the responsibility of doing something.

Kids eventually interpret this as their parents or teachers not feeling kids are capable of doing what is required of them. Some of them react by feeling depressed or worthless while others react with joy at the idea of getting a free ride on their responsibilities. (Come to think of, adults react the same way with bosses in the workforce. Some are depressed and think their bosses don’t like them and that they are not good employees while other employees rejoice that their bosses stop giving them any repsonsibility and are glad that they therefore have more tim to goof off.)

In either case, this is not good for the child’s development on a psychological level nor is it good on a practical level because you end up with kids who can’t do basic things for themselves. Don’t let this happen to your kids.child, children, dad, father, james lehman, kids, legacy parenting, mom, mother, parenting, parents, raising children, raising kids, teenagers, teens, total transformation, total transformation behavior, total transformation course, total transformation program, total transformation review

Negotiations are a skill that many adults have to learn. There are classes one can take, presentations to attend, books to read, etc., all intended to teach us a skill that we have lost somewhere along the way.

Adults may have to learn (or acutally re-learn) the art of negotiating, but kids are born negotiators. I don’t know what happens that causes most people to lose that skill by the time they enter the workforce. Tell any kid that he or she can’t have something desired and you will immediately see master negotiation skills in action. In fact, if you analyze how your kids negotiate, you’ll wonder why your kids aren’t working in international political relations.

As an aside, I am not a fan of negotiating anything when it comes to a kid’s behavior. The authority figure should be setting the rules based on his or her (supposedly) superior judgment of the situation. That’s another discussion for another blog entry.

In this case, the parenting mistake of renegotiating comes when parents allow children who to rework an already agreed upon standard. Even worse is when this bargaining takes place after negative behavior has occurred.

Although I didn’t make note of the examples of this ineffective parenting role while I was listening to the CD, I think they were about the a kid being home on time or agreeing to do his homework and then going right to bed afterward. If parents allow kids who have broken these or other rules to try to change them after the fact, then what lesson will kids really learn? They will learn that rules you make and they agree to are pointless. They will learn to agree to anything to simply shut their parents up, thinking they will just change break, and then amend the rule later as it suits them.

Learn how to avoid parenting problems .child, children, dad, father, james lehman, kids, legacy parenting, mom, mother, parenting, parents, raising children, raising kids, teenagers, teens, total transformation, total transformation behavior, total transformation course, total transformation program, total transformation review

As I mentioned, the portion I’m currently reviewing is titled Ineffective Parenting Roles. I am phrasing it less delicately by referring to the points made in some upcoming posts as “mistakes parents make.”

Either way, the good news is that if you notice your own parenting style or that of someone you know in these entries, there is a way to change the situations. Mistakes don’t have to be repeated and ineffective techniques can be replaced by effective ones when you accept the guidance that is offered.

I’m going to devote one post to a discussion and analysis of each point that was made. I want you to read the posts and then honestly think of how the concept described may apply to your own situation.

There is nothing wrong with realizing that you have made mistakes. That’s actually a good step because then you can find a way to bring about better results next time.

Coming Next: Parenting Mistake 1 - Renegotiatingchild, children, dad, father, fatherhood, james lehman, kids, legacy parenting, mom, mother, motherhood, parenthod, parenting, parents, raising children, raising kids, teenagers, teens, total transformation, total transformation behavior, total transformation course, total transformation program, total transformation review

In the first part of this entry, Parent Mind Reading, we talked about parents knowing that other people are judging their parenting skills each time they see them interact with their children in public.

Here’s the interesting thing about that, James Lehman then explains that parents will “perform” for their public audiences. In other words, they plan their actions based on how they think other parents watching will judge them, rather than doing the best thing for their kids in the situation. That is a powerful and perceptive observation.

It may be human nature to do such a thing, but that doesn’t mean it is the best form of parenting.

It reminded me of an episode of Will & Grace. Do you remember the Christmas-themed episode in which Grace was attending a performance of The Nutcracker? There was a woman in line at the refreshment station with three misbehaving children. The mother told the kids they better behave or “the next movie you will see will be Harry Potter and the 45 Minute Spanking.” Of course, the kids then behaved. Grace later said to another character, “I hope Santa can swing by Child Services on his way to their house.”

How many real mothers would not say something like that to their kids in earshot of other people for fear of onlookers reacting the way the character of Grace did?

Stop performing for other parents and learn how to make your kids behave with this program.child, children, dad, father, fatherhood, james lehman, kids, legacy parenting, mom, mother, motherhood, parenthod, parenting, parents, raising children, raising kids, teenagers, teens, total transformation, total transformation behavior, total transformation course, total transformation program, total transformation review

As part of the second audio lesson in the Total Transformation System , I heard of a concept that I had not thought of before, but one which makes perfect sense to me.

The presenter talks about the idea of parents doing mind reading…and he is not talking about any feats as might be seen on NBC’s new show Phenomenon starring Uri Geller and Criss Angel. He is talking about something much simpler – the idea that parents in public try to guess or “mind read” what other parents think of the parenting job they are doing by observing how the children behave and how the parents react.

Admit it – he’s right! Every time I observe kids behavior in public and the parents interactions with them, I certainly make observations and conclusions about how effective their parenting skills are.

Beyond that, Lehman is pointing out an extension to this concept. (He is very good at doing that. I love how he takes everything he discusses and shows how it naturally evolves to the next logical step.)

Find out the extension in More About Mind Reading.child, children, dad, father, fatherhood, james lehman, kids, legacy parenting, mom, mother, motherhood, parenthod, parenting, parents, raising children, raising kids, teenagers, teens, total transformation, total transformation behavior, total transformation course, total transformation program, total transformation review

Wait! You’re wondering if I mixed up the words in the title of this post, right? Shouldn’t it be Parents Training Kids? Yes, it should be and no, I didn’t mix up the words. I wrote them exactly as they should be to explain the point of this blog posting.

Although I have may have mentioned this excellent point before elsewhere in this review series, it certainly bears repeating.

If parents give in to a kid’s demand in order to avoid some negative behavior (such as the kid throwing a fit or embarrassing the parent in public), then that is nothing more than classic behavior modification that you learned about in Psychology 101 in your freshman year of college. Did you ever imagine it would be the kids in control of the experiment? Did you ever picture the inmates running the asylum, as they say?

Parents, you need to think about this, the next time you “cave in” to a demand from a kid or the next time you let your kids get away with something in order to avoid a confrontation with them over it.

Are you ready to start training your kids instead of the other way around?child, children, dad, father, fatherhood, james lehman, kids, legacy parenting, mom, mother, motherhood, parenthod, parenting, parents, raising children, raising kids, teenagers, teens, total transformation, total transformation behavior, total transformation course, total transformation program, total transformation review

I can imagine three reactions to the question, “Are behavior problems a phase?”

A young, inexperienced parent facing a certain behavior problem for the first time convinces himself or herself that it will pass and it’s nothing to worry about.

A parent who originally felt as the one above, but is now stuck in an ever-increasing mess of bad behavior will have a different opinion. He or she won’t understand how something minor has gotten so out of hand and will wonder if there is ever a way out of the situation.

An older parent or wise grandparent will probably just laugh at the question knowing how silly it is. He or she will know that bad behaviors in children don’t simply go away- they must be phased out by active parenting if you want them to become a passing phase!

I don’t know why parents want to fool themselves into thinking negatives behaviors in their children will go away on their own. Have you ever known a bad behavior in a co-worker to disappear by itself or did it get progressively worse because an ineffective boss did nothing to fix the situation?

Find out how to solve children’s behavior problems .behavior problems, child, children, dad, father, fatherhood, james lehman, kids, legacy parenting, mom, mother, motherhood, parenthod, parenting, parents, raising children, raising kids, teenagers, teens, total transformation, total transformation behavior, total transformation course, total transformation program, total transformation review