A Message from Janet Lehman: Does Parenting Feel Like a Thankless Job? (Then Read This.)

I was having coffee with a friend recently when she leaned across the table and said, “No matter what I do as a parent, I feel like I’m being taken for granted. All my child seems to do is yell at me, ignore me or ask me for things. I just feel so unappreciated.”

Let’s face it—parenting is often a thankless job. Before we have kids, most of us have unrealistic expectations of what it’s going to be like to give birth and become a parent. Maybe you watched family members raising their kids, or witnessed frazzled parents in the grocery store whose kids were acting out and thought to yourself, “I’ll never do it that way.” But as every parent eventually finds out, that ideal image we have pre-kids is not reality. It’s hard work to raise children, and most of us are simply trying to do our best.

If you are searching, longing and looking for appreciation from your child during the tough times, you’re really going in the wrong direction.

Related: How to stop feeling judged and blamed—and start parenting more effectively.

It’s not easy to set limits, give consequences, and stay consistent as a parent—and your child isn’t going to show appreciation to you for doing it. If you’re feeling taken for granted, remember that one of your main goals is to teach your child to be a responsible adult. And, as every parent knows, this is a tough and constant job. In some ways, kids are like little Neanderthals—they don’t come programmed knowing what’s right and wrong, or how to be thankful and appreciative of what’s given to them. We have to teach them how to behave appropriately in each situation. They rely on us to set limits, teach them and guide them. They may not always like it when we lay down the law or give consequences, but they ultimately do need those limits set—not only for their behavior, but because it makes them feel safer.

Their Thanks Will Come Later

When I was working in residential treatment centers with kids, I was one of the people who had to set limits on their behavior. I was often insulted, sworn at and challenged, especially in the first few months after a teen first arrived. At the end of their stay (usually a year-and-a-half to two years later), we would all do a group session prior to their discharge from the center. Some of the most hardcore kids I worked with would say, “I hated you when I first got here, but I’ve really grown to respect you. Now I understand what you had to do to help me change.” These kids had extreme experiences with crime, drugs and physical violence, and needed a therapeutic environment to help get them on track in their lives. With the help of the adults at the center, who acted as teachers, limit setters and coaches, they were often able to do so—and in the process, they began to understand the role of the adults in their lives.

I think this experience translates to the role parents play in their child’s life. Most of the time you really can’t expect appreciation from your child, especially when you’re going through tough times with him, but when he matures, he may understand and appreciate what you’ve done for him.

Look at it this way: No one really likes to be told they need to behave differently. As an adult, you probably don’t like it if your boss wants you to change how you do your work—and you certainly won’t say “thank you” when he or she asks you to do things differently. The same holds true for your child. The less you personalize things and expect validation, the easier it becomes to do your job as a parent. It also is easier if you act in a businesslike way and separate yourself from your child’s response. You’re not going to get verbal appreciation for setting limits, but you will see good results in their improved behavior.

Related: How to give consequences that work for your child.

A Thankless Job: Parents of Kids with Behavior Problems

For parents of kids with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder or other behavioral issues, it can be extremely exhausting and difficult to feel confident as a parent and keep going. Let’s say your child has problems with anger and impulsivity and gets in your face, swears and says terrible things like, “I hate you,” and “You’re the worst mother in the world.” Maybe he has a good side, but along with that comes an aggressive, mean, awful side. Imagine you’re trying to help your child with his homework but end up having a big fight, where he starts screaming at you and calling you names. This may be one of those moments when you say to yourself, “I don’t know if I can do it. I’ve done so much for this kid and all he does is treat me like garbage.” Know that we all—every one of us—have bad moments where we think, “This is really hard. I don’t know if I can do it.” If you’re trying your best, and your kid is still screaming in your face, it’s natural to feel exhausted, unappreciated and overwhelmed.

Related: Does your child scream at you and call you foul names?

If you are searching, longing and looking for appreciation from your child during the tough times, you’re really going in the wrong direction. You may feel lost and want to get some acknowledgement from him, but realize that he’s probably not able to give it. I understand why parents want and need validation, but I think you’re going to be in trouble as long as you’re looking to your kids in any way to fulfill this need.

Instead of looking to your child to receive appreciation for parenting, here are a few things you can do instead:

Take a time out: If you’re feeling upset, taken for granted and overwhelmed, try to take some time for yourself. Go for a walk or a drive and listen to music. Regroup and calm down.

Reach out: Reach out to a friend or family member— and here’s the important part—find someone who won’t judge you. Talk to someone who’s supportive, who can listen without laying blame, and who might even have had a good idea or two for you.

Acknowledge what you’re doing right. Congratulate yourself for what you are doing well—no matter how small that thing might be. Maybe you set a limit and stuck to it this week. Or perhaps you gave an effective consequence. The point is to acknowledge any instance when you did the right thing: “Today I gave my son an appropriate consequence and followed through.” Or “Today we made it to bedtime without a fight.” The very fact you are on EP reading our articles says that you’re taking active steps to be effective as a parent. You should feel good about that. So don’t beat yourself up over the mistakes you make—instead, celebrate the successes.

Find your sense of humor. As a parent, having a sense of humor really helps. When my son misbehaved, after we’d dealt with the incident, in private my husband James and I would sometimes laugh over what had transpired and just shake our heads. I also had friends I could call who would help me see the humor in these difficult situations. If you can laugh off some of the behavior and not take it too seriously, it relieves a lot of tension.

Find other parents who have been there: I always say that parents won’t get thanks from their kids, but that’s where Empowering Parents comes in. Other people who come to this site really do relate and often understand what you’re going through because they’re going through the same things with their own kids. You’ll notice that when you leave a response after an EP article, we answer you. Why? Because we understand. The EP.com community can and should be a support network for you. Other resources you might try are support groups, trusted friends or family members, parenting classes, programs like The Total Transformation and The Calm Parent, and parenting books. Don’t think that you’re all alone in this—there are many, many parents out there dealing with the same things that you’re grappling with right now.

And the truth is, we can feel so alone as we go through these challenges with our kids. Sometimes we’re harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else—we feel like we’re supposed to have all the answers. It’s important to cut yourself a little slack. It might feel like you’re always going to be in this horrible place with your child, but the reality is, kids change. I know it doesn’t feel like that in the moment your child is screaming in your face—it probably feels like this is your life forever, and it’s a horrible feeling. I know it’s tough. But remember that the goodness you and your family have given your child is there. He’ll be able to use those tools at another time, when he’s ready. Rest assured that whatever else is going on in his life, that knowledge will always be there.

If your kids aren’t able to thank you or appreciate you for setting limits during these tough times, know that you really are doing the right thing. It’s important to respect and appreciate yourself for that. Kids aren’t going to like it when you set limits and hold them accountable. But if you can use coaching, teaching and limit setting to guide them toward better behavior, you’re on the right track. No matter how much your child complains, know that you’re doing the right thing. When we’re setting limits, we’re doing our job as parents and we’re letting them know we love them. They may not like it, but they know it’s our job. Think of it this way: if your child’s behavior has improved or changed, it’s really a form of thanks to you for what you’ve done.

Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years and is the co-creator of The Total Transformation Program. She is a social worker who has held a variety of positions during her career, including juvenile probation officer, case manager, therapist and program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

advice for parents, how to parent, parent education, parent guide, parent ideas, parent training, parenting, parenting blog, parenting help, parenting resources, parenting tips, support for parents

2011 Girl Scout Cookie Season

Now that 2011 Girl Scout Cookie season is under way, you may find yourself contemplating one or both of the following two pertinent questions – “Can I get Girl Scout Cookies online?” or “Where can I find Girl Scout Cookies?”

Where Do You Get Girl Scout Cookies

I heard a report on the news the other day with a spokesperson from the main Girl Scout organization, Girl Scouts of the USA. The woman explained that you can’t currently order the Girl Scout Cookies online for home delivery. I did some more research later and it turns out that, according to their site, the Girl Scouts are exploring an online ordering option for the future.

In the meantime, your next question then is about where can you find the cookies in person. Unless you work in an office in which a parent of a Girl Scout brings the order forms into the workplace, do you have to hope that someone comes door to door selling them like in the old days? Thankfully, you don’t have to rely on the old-fashioned door to door selling method in which the girls took the order the first time and then came back weeks later to collect the money and deliver the cookies. (I’m sure many Girl Scouts are glad they don’t have to do it that way anymore. As someone who sold items door to door for school fundraisers every year of my elementary school years, I can tell you that taking orders and having to return with deliveries weeks later is a royal pain in the cookie box!

Girl Scout Cookie Booth Sales

Apparently, it is up to the local Girl Scout Troop or Girl Scout Council as to how they organize their particular sales so it may vary in your area, but here’s the good news: the news report said that all you have to do is go to the Girl Scouts website and enter your zip code to discover where the local Girl Scouts are setting up what they call a cookie booth. At the booths, you can purchase the cookies on the spot. The Girl Scout organization also has an app available to help you locate your nearest cookie sales booth. Unless your daughter is a Girl Scout, could it it be any easier to find Girl Scout Cookies this year thanks to modern technology?

I went to the website and discovered the cookie selling booth locations near my house. They were at convenient spots like local banks, supermarkets, and shopping centers. The closest booth sale was being held only a few days away from the day I checked so it worked out perfectly.

Girl Scout Cookies & McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes

Remember that Girl Scout Cookies only come around once a year so all bets are off when it comes to dieting and losing weight. Girl Scout Cookies are definitely an exception to the junk food rule (much like that other seasonal favorite, the irresistible McDonald’s Shamrock Shake. Yes, I did indeed get a Shamrock Shake to go with the Girl Scout Cookies. A minty Shamrock Shake with Thin Mints Girl Scout Cookies are an ideal late winter treat and the perfect combination!)

Once you’ve got all those cookies sitting on your counter or table just daring you to eat them, you might as well turn the sweet indulgence into even more of a treat. Here’s an idea if you want to go all out for a dessert or even a once-a-year substitute for a meal. Have a Girl Scout Cookie buffet! Put out some of each kind of cookie that you bought and let everybody dig in. You can even make a game of it if you have several people. Only put out one or two of each cookie choice. Then go around the table and let each person only choose one cookie at a time. There may be some begging, pleading, and negotiating as the most poplar flavors get chosen first.

Girl Scout Cookie Flavors List

Readers who follow this blog for the consumer information section, I didn’t forget about you or my commitment to getting the best value for the money. Here’s a Girl Scout Cookie fun fact you may not have realized: although all the cookie boxes are the same price regardless of flavor, the different flavors have different weights! That means that you are getting more or less cookies (not just or not necessarily in number of cookies, but in the overall weight of the cookies) for the same money depending on which kind of Girl Scout Cookie you choose.

Don’t worry, I did the “difficult” work of buying many flavors to test this all out! I purchased eight boxes of cookies spread across six flavors. (I had to double up on favorites.) There are a few other flavors I didn’t get so you will have to check out the other boxes when making your cookie purchases. Here’s the list of the sizes and flavors I bought:

Savannah Smiles – 6 ounces
Tagalongs (Peanut Butter Patties) - 6.5 ounces
Samoas – 7.5 ounces
Do-si-dos (Peanut Butter Cremes) – 8 ounces
Thin Mints – 9 ounces
Trefoils (Old Fashioned Shortbread) – 9 ounces

As you can see, the winner is tie between the Do-si-dos and the Thin Mints which works out perfectly because those are my favorite tasting Girl Scout Cookies anyway. Since those are my favorites, I’m doubly glad that they are also the best bargain. Of course, this may be one of those instances in which the best bargain to you is the one you think tastes the best regardless of the weight of the product.

I hope this helps you find the cookies in your area. Think of me while you are enjoying all the varieties of your Girl Scout Cookies this year!girl scout cookie app, girl scout cookie booth sales, girl scout cookie season, girl scout cookies, girl scouts, girl scouts of the usa

Does Your Child Act Out to Manipulate You? How to Stop Falling for It

Does your child use anger or threats to get what he wants? Does he pick fights and blackmail you emotionally? Or maybe he acts helpless or plays sick to get out of doing chores or homework. Whether kids manipulate us aggressively or passively, this behavior makes most of us feel out of control and “played” by our kids. Debbie Pincus, creator of The Calm Parent: AM & PM, tells you how you can break this cycle while staying calm and in control.

“Caving in to your child’s demands in order to steer clear of his tirades will only teach him that manipulation works.”

Many, if not most, parents feel manipulated by their kids at times. Teens in particular can be very adept at manipulative behaviors that run the gamut from flattery and charm to downright abuse to get what they want. And most kids, by the time they get to adolescence, are skilled at arguing, debating and raging to get their way.

Related: How to stay calm and in control when your child argues, throws tantrums and rages at you. (Yes, it’s possible.)

Let’s step into your child’s shoes for a moment. Imagine your 13-year-old daughter wants the boots that all her friends are wearing; she’s sure that wearing them will establish her as part of the popular group. Of course, she’s desperate for you to say “yes” and buy them. Hearing the word “no” will seem intolerable and unfair to her. But let’s say you’ve given it some thought and your answer is no. You explain further by saying, “You don’t need another pair of boots, and besides, they’re way more than I’m willing to pay.” And then you brace for what you know is coming. Your daughter pulls out the big guns. She pleads, argues, sulks, gives you the silent treatment, debates, and rages in a desperate attempt to get what she wants. This is a much more likely outcome than your daughter saying, “Okay, I understand Mom. Your reasons make a lot of sense to me.” I’ve been working with kids and families for decades, and believe me, it’s the unusual kid who takes “no” for an answer the first time she hears it.

Why “No” Doesn’t Mean “No” to Most Kids

Why doesn’t “no” mean “no”? You might be sitting there saying to yourself, “I would never have spoken to my parents like that.” And that’s probably true. Back in the ’50s, ’60s and even ’70s, most parents valued obedience and used hitting, withdrawal of love and fear to scare kids into submission. If we used those tactics today, we probably could get our kids to stop at our “no.” The problem is that this parenting style does not lead to good long-term connection, trust and security and can easily backfire and cause serious rebellion. Don’t get me wrong, parents still value obedience nowadays, but we also put value on connection, independent thinking and communication. So in many ways, the new norm is for kids to try to persuade us to get what they want—which, when you think about it, is not always such a bad thing. Good persuasion skills can work effectively in life. But when would we say it’s simply persuasion versus emotional manipulation? When does the behavior cross the line?

Related: Does your child’s behavior cross the line into name-calling, threats and verbal abuse?

Once our “no” is said, most kids will persist and try to persuade and convince you to go with what they want. And, in the course of this discussion, perhaps you’ll even hear their argument and be persuaded to “yes.” Let’s say your daughter wanted to stay out a bit later one night for a special event, and you were willing to hear her reasons and give her extra time for a dance or the late showing of a movie—not because you were worn down, but rather because your child’s reasoning made sense to you. That ability to persuade and negotiate in a healthy, respectful way is a good thing—and it’s a helpful skill for your child to learn.

But let’s say your child is asking you for something you’re not willing to let her do, like sleep over at a friend’s house whose parents work nights. Your 11-year-old daughter tries a few of her persuasion tactics, you consider her point of view but decide to stay firm with your no. She tries a few more tactics, and you continue to hold the line. At this point, many kids are able to disengage and let go: They’ve tried and didn’t get what they wanted, so they give up and stomp off. But maybe your child is the type who won’t stop. Essentially, she’s saying, “If you don’t give in, I will wear you down until you do.” Or “If you don’t give in to my demands, I will subject you to my emotional tirades. I will make you suffer.”

Does Your Child Use Emotional Blackmail on You?

Part of what divides persuasion from emotional blackmail is how long your child persists—and how intense this insistence becomes. But I think manipulation also has to do with intention. There are kids whose sole intention is to try to manipulate you into giving them the answer they want, even if it means making you suffer with their behavior. And the message is, “I will wear you down and get what I want. My gain at your cost; I win, you lose. And when I win, I’m in control.” These kids have learned a dangerous lesson—that their emotional blackmail works. Eventually you will be worn down because you’re afraid of their outbursts. You might attempt to contain your child’s rage and unpleasantness by giving in. Your child will have learned that manipulation works.

Understand that manipulation can come in many forms, not only that of negative outbursts. Kids can learn that picking a fight works, playing sick works, playing dumb works, charm works, and threats work. So if your child has goaded you into doing things, here are six things you might do to break the cycle of manipulative behavior.

1. Manage your expectations. Expect that it’s unlikely that your “no” will be followed by your child saying, “Okay, thank you.” Persuasion will probably follow instead. Don’t freak out. As annoying and unpleasant as it is, it’s what most kids do nowadays. We can expect better as parents, but don’t be surprised if you don’t get it. And as difficult as it is to say “no” (because of what you know will follow), it’s also extremely important to learn to say it and stick with it.
2. Realize the behavior is normal. I think it’s important to realize that your child’s attempt to get you to change your mind and say “yes” is normal. When you realize he’s not doing it because of some terrible pathology or evil inside of him, it will help you relax and deal with the behavior. Rather than reacting to their pushing with panic or worry, if you’ve thought things through and are comfortable with your decision, just stick to your guns. Caving in to your child’s demands in order to steer clear of his tirades will only teach him that manipulation works.
3. It doesn’t matter what you say after “no.” Once you’ve said “no,” any attempt on your part to justify it will not matter. All your child is listening for is whether or not your decision still stands. If you continue the conversation, all it will be about is him trying to get you to change your “no” to a “yes.” So don’t get hooked into trying to get your child to understand and be okay with your decision. As far as he’s concerned, any “no” is totally unfair. Simply saying “no” and stating your decision with a brief, clear position is enough. You will get nowhere trying to make your “no” palatable. And teens in particular are very good lawyers. If you aren’t careful, you can soon be defending your position and led off on all sorts of tangents. Your child may feel completely justified in giving you a hard time because after all, you’re being a pain by not giving him what he wanted.
4. Don’t be wishy-washy. Try your best not to let your child push you into changing your mind. Learn to say “no” with some strength behind it when you mean it. If too often your “no” becomes a “yes” because your child has been successful at wearing you down, a pattern of emotional blackmail can result. Your child has learned that being relentless works; if his relentlessness still hasn’t gotten him what he wants, in his mind it means that he should be more relentless until he’s successful. He won’t see anything wrong with his behavior, either, because it’s what he’s used to. The greatest danger is that he’ll be in charge instead of you. So say “no,” state your reason, make it short and to the point, and walk away. (More on this next.)
5. Disengaging from the discussion. If your child is asking you for something you have some flexibility on, you might listen to his argument as long as he’s respectful. If it seems reasonable to you, you might decide to change your “no” to a “yes.” However, if you don’t change your mind, only discuss it with him to a certain point. Stop giving him your counterpoints and disengage. You’ll know when it’s time for you to stop when you feel the early signs of your adrenaline rising—your heart will beat faster, your face may get hot, and you might start to feel shaky. Pay attention to this and swiftly end the conversation and disengage. How do you disengage when your child does not? Don’t say another word. Walk into another room or out of the house if your child is old enough; ride it out. Engaging at all, in any way, will only add fuel to the fire. Holding onto yourself with your “no,” despite what your child does, communicates something important: “No matter what you do, I will not lose myself. No matter how long you carry on, I will not give in. Your behavior will not be effective.”

Related: Find out why kids don’t feel their way to better behavior, but behave their way to better feelings.

6. Look closely at yourself. Do you tend to be too rigid? Do you think you make it particularly difficult for your child to get anything other than a “no” from you? Are you in any way contributing to his need to manipulate you to get anything for himself? Look at your own behavior and ask yourself the following questions:
   • Is it hard for you to get out of your comfort zone and let your child grow?
   • Do you hold your child back too much? Do your own anxieties prevent you from letting your child do things?
   • Are you too dominant? Do you have a strong need to control others or often find yourself in power struggles?
   • Are you a “one truth” thinker? Meaning, is it difficult for you if other people don’t think the same way you do?
   • Are you afraid to have a backbone—and therefore always give in?

Take a close look in the mirror and see if you’re doing any of these things with your child, and if your behaviors are contributing to your child learning ineffective ways to handle himself. Help your child learn to be able to effectively come to the bench and negotiate for what he wants and then to accept the limits of “no” as well. Change what is in your control to change.

Too Late for You? Breaking the Pattern of Child Manipulation

What if you’ve already gotten into the pattern of being manipulated and emotionally blackmailed by your child? Perhaps you’ve been giving in since he was little—maybe it started with temper tantrums, and escalated to the point where your 15-year-old started breaking things in your house, threatening people and calling you foul names. In other words, what do you do if you already have an emotional manipulator and you’re stuck in this destructive pattern?

I won’t sugarcoat it: It’s going to be difficult to change a pattern that’s already in place, especially with a teen, but it’s certainly not impossible. Expect the typical “pushback” or “change back” that comes when you start to take a different position as a parent. Be prepared because your child will escalate before he stops the behavior.

If you want to start breaking out of this pattern, be clear and stick to your “no.” With kids who are already blackmailing you emotionally, you have to continue to stand your ground harder because they’re going to fight harder. It’s worked in the past, so they naturally think they can get you to bend to their will. But you’re going to do whatever it takes to hold on and not give in. Your child will learn limits and boundaries when you have the courage, strength and backbone to provide them.

Eventually they’ll get the message that you can no longer be broken down. For any parent who’s trying to stop child manipulation, I would recommend that you create a guiding principle for yourself. A guiding principle might be, “I want my child to learn to accept limits in life,” or, “I want my child to learn that he can’t have everything he wants.”

Here’s the bottom line: Most people will do whatever it takes in that unpleasant moment with their child to get rid of the distress, and that’s why they give in—they can’t stand it. Picking short-term relief is understandable—many times that’s the choice we’ll make because we just have to get on with the day. But if you want to stop being manipulated, instead of going for the short-term fix, look at the long-term gain. Keep your mind on that larger goal rather than on short-term relief. If you’re really looking at changing manipulative behavior and you want to work on developing your child’s character, then you’ll have to try and make a different choice in that moment when he’s testing you.

Related: Stop being manipulated by your child’s behavior and learn how to stay focused on long-term parenting goals.

Keep in mind that with our older kids, we are consultants, not managers. And with all kids, think about relating to them, not controlling them. Hold onto your position if it’s well thought-out, but try to do it with kindness, respect, openness and understanding. Don’t see your child as the enemy—think of being on his side and relating to him side-by-side, rather than toe-to-toe—even when you’re setting limits, holding the line and being firm.

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

advice for parents, how to parent, parent education, parent guide, parent ideas, parent training, parenting, parenting blog, parenting help, parenting resources, parenting tips, support for parents

This guest blog post comes from author V. A. Jeffrey. In the post she mentions that her latest book, The Lady Moons, will be released in February 2012. It is now available.

- - - -

Navigating The Gray

I have a new novella out in my children’s fantasy series, Secret Doorway Tales and I’m having a lot of fun writing this series of books. The newest book in the series, due out in February is called The Lady Moons (Secret Doorway Tales) While the last three stories were what I would call straightforward adventure stories, the fourth book is slightly different in that it deals with dreams and gray areas and what these can mean and how a child might feel about them.

The other stories deal with issues of black and white, which is a good thing. That’s usually how kids see the world. Things are either Right or Wrong and I
believe that much in life falls on either one of these sides. However, in life we also encounter quite a few gray areas and we have to learn how to navigate
them and understand them, even if we don’t always feel comfortable with them. I believe that children encounter gray area issues as adults do and they must learn how to confront them.

I felt that dreams would be a great setting for exploring this issue because in dreams what we see isn’t always what we see. Things aren’t immediately clear;
some dreams we may never understand. Ever had a dream where nothing made sense? We’ve all experienced that, if we can still remember them. But some dreams do have meaning. Usually it’s a reflection of some past experience or a string of events in our life that should be dealt with. The protaganist in the story, an eight year old girl named Anne, is used to seeing things as Right or Wrong and she encounters allies and villains that neatly fit into her view of the world. And she isn’t wrong or mistaken about that but in The Lady Moons, she encounters a fairy queen who is unusually difficult for her to understand. Fairy queens are rather elusive by nature but this one especially so. This fairy queen behaves strangely to her and says things that she finds disturbing, though she doesn’t actually come off as evil. Anne doesn’t know what to do with these feelings and she isn’t sure what value this experience has for her own life. She also meets other creatures on this journey that aren’t what she immediately assumes them to be. Things are resolved but not in quite the way that you’d expect if you’ve read the previous books in the series.

That is not to say that the book is dark and scary. In fact, I think that The Winter Wolves is the darkest book of the series to date and the ending for that
book was triumphant. This book ends on a more subdued note. To be honest, I never thought I would be writing children’s middle grade fiction, it just sort of happened as a happy accident. With children’s fiction you can explore important themes without getting down into despair, deep darkness or adult themes. You can still keep things light, inject a sense of innocence, wonder and awe in the writing. Writing these books brings me back to when I was a kid,
reading some of my favorite stories, like the Narnia series and the Ramona Quimby series. With the right kind of book, a child can be transported to
another place, all the while, learning how to navigate the one he/she actually lives in.

- - -

Matthew says:

Thanks to V.A. Jeffrey for providing a detailed blog post which really makes us think as all good literature should. I like books for children that make them think about issues as well. Ms. Jeffrey is definitely on to something with the idea that children are faced with ethical dilemmas and it is to their advantage to have previously considered the concepts of right versus wrong and shades of gray.

Also, once again, I have to complement the cover art on a novel. We have been very lucky here to be featuring work lately from talented writers as well as talented cover artists. The Lady Moons (Secret Doorway Tales) definintely fits into that category.

childrens literature, dream interpretation, mg books, middle grade fiction, secret doorway tales, the lady moons, v.a. jeffrey

This is a guest post with opinion about the Total Tranformation Progam. Please watch for additional entries in my already lengthy Total Transformation Review series coming soon.

- - -

The Total Transformation Program is specifically designed for parents that require assistance with raising children, especially when a particular behavior or set of behaviors has gotten out of control. This comprehensive program has produced incredible results for hundreds of thousands of families and continues to to help more parents every day.

Children that act out in an obnoxious, disrespectful or unreasonable way can benefit from using the techniques that are suggested. The Total Transformation Program can benefit all members of the family unit when put into practice correctly. The invaluable tips for managing children that have behavioral issues such as ADHD are impressively helpful. Realistically, most children act out at one time or another in various situations, especially at home. As with most children, the everyday things such as parental manipulation and mind games can be dealt with confidently by the parents if they have a clear and precise direction. When given the right tools, a positive total transformation is likely to be the outcome.

Children have different issues that affect their behavior and finding a more effective way of parenting is vital to changing children’s behavior for the better. The Total Transformation Program has helped literally hundreds of thousands of parents take control of their children’s inaoopriate behavior as well as bring peace and harmony to the family household. It is essential to the ongoing success of affirmative and supportive child and parent education.

We all know that open communication is crucial in keeping children comfortable with coming to parents with any problem they may have. Many parents have found the Total Transformation Program to be “the answer” they were hoping for. When dealing with children that have ADHD or any behavior difficulties, this program has produced amazing results. The parents are very thankful for these results and sometimes they cannot believe it is actually their child that is now behaving in such a respectful manner.

Many parents have been in situations where the frustration of not knowing how to discipline a disobedient child has led them to their wits end. One method of improving their children’s behavior that is favored by parents is for their children to learn problem solving techniques and be accountable for their own actions. Also, most parents are aware of the fact that they are the role models that their children learn from and copy. The Total Transformation Program has glowing reviews as a testament to the success of the techniques.

Some of the highlights of the Total Transformation Program are:

Don’t allow your children to get you involved in an argument.

Never negotiate, beg or explain until you are blue in the face.

Never allow your children to physically abuse you.

Stick to a routine.

Patience and vigilance reap rewards.

- - - -

I hope you found this guest post with a Total Transformation opinion helpful. Check out more about The Total Transformation Program including their current free trial offer.ADD ADHD, attention deficit disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, bd, behavior disorder, behavior problem, disruptive behavior disorders, ed, EDBD, emotional disorder, james lehman, jim lehman, legacy parenting, legacy publishing, ODD, oppositional defiance disorder, parent training, total transformation, total transformation behavior, total transformation course, total transformation program, total transformation review

Negative Children: How to Deal with a Complaining Child or Teen

Let’s face it, “No” gets a reaction. Kids thrive on the connection they have with you, and if a child is always negative, they will usually get a reaction from their parents. As odd as it sounds, sometimes the negativity spewing from your child’s lips is not meant to sound as bad as it does. She may simply want contact with you, albeit negative contact. Some kids’ versions of, “Hi, how are you this morning?” come out as, “These eggs are disgusting!” While this is the way your child might want to connect with you, it doesn’t mean you have to enjoy it or listen to it endlessly.

“Sometimes your child’s negativity and goading behavior can feel like a magnet pulling you in. I think the best thing to do is be very conscious of what’s happening, and then stay out of that orbit. The main thing is, don’t give it legs.”

When your child is a constant complainer, it can be emotionally exhausting. Your negative child may also be loving, funny, and sweet, but unfortunately her negative attitude stands out because it’s such an energy drainer. What’s worse, your mind starts “futurizing” and jumps to every worst case scenario.

Related: How to put real limits on your child’s behavior.

So where does all the complaining come from? If your child is in her teen years, adolescence may be the culprit. When she was young she might have been enthusiastic about everything. You’d hear her say, “Mom look at this! Wow, it’s so cool. I love it!” Then adolescence arrives and it becomes way too uncool to be enthusiastic, especially with your parents. Sharing her inner feelings means opening herself up to you—and that is probably exactly the opposite of what she wants to do at this point in her life. Pushing you out is the name of the game. And let’s not forget that you and your family are the safe haven where all stresses of childhood can land. She may not tell you about her awful day at school, but instead complain that the food you cooked tastes awful. Yes, this is unpleasant, but remember, don’t take it personally—this could be a coping skill your child is employing

As strange as it sounds, negativity and complaining are actually ways to manage anxiety. When your child complains, she feels better because she’s expressing himself and venting her worries and fears. If you don’t react to it from your own anxiety, your child will move on.

Related: Are you an anxious parent?

After you determine what’s triggering your child’s negativity, consider why you get so stirred up by it. Understanding why it upsets you so much is really half the battle; knowing why it pushes your buttons will help you find more calm, effective ways of dealing with it. Do you tend to be negative and critical yourself? Our kids’ behavior can often put a mirror in front of us, and it’s not always what we want to see. Do you feel responsible as a parent to fix your child, shape her up and make her happy—and turn her into a “Sally Sunshine?” Do you futurize and get anxious, and ask yourself if this is the life your child is destined to lead?

Oppositional Kids: Using Negativity to Stir the Pot

“This sucks! I hate this family.”

Sound familiar? Kids who are oppositional or defiant often use negativity to get everyone around them worked up, including you. Sometimes they respond automatically without thinking—they’re not necessarily trying to make everyone upset—but other times, they do it with the intention to make everybody else feel as miserable as they do. And you and your child’s siblings probably bear the brunt of it, because home is that safe place where he can let out the absolute worst part of himself. If your child spews a lot of negativity at home, the trick for you is not to get pulled into it, because that’s what will give him the feeling that he’s in control—he’s got you and you’re paying attention to him. You’re hooked.

Work hard not to indulge that part of your child. Recognize when your child is trying to push your buttons and try not to get pulled in. The temptation in the moment is to feed the mood by saying something like, “What’s wrong with you? You’re ruining the movie for everyone!” Instead, you can put limits on this negative behavior by saying, “Not now, please. We’re trying to watch the movie.” Or “It sounds like you don’t like it. Why don’t you go to your room and do something else?” If your child continues to be defiant, you’ll need to try some enforceable consequences. (Please read Parenting ODD Children and Teens: How to Make Consequences Work by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner to find out how to do this effectively.) Define your boundaries and make clear what you will and won’t do without being critical and giving your child the message, “You should be different, what’s wrong with you?”

Related: Hands-on help for parents of ODD kids.

Easy? Not at all. I know this is hard—sometimes your child’s negativity and goading behavior can feel like a magnet pulling you in. I think the best thing to do is be very conscious of what’s happening, and then stay out of that orbit. The main thing is, don’t give it legs.

Here are 7 things you can do as a parent when your child is being negative and it’s pushing all of your buttons.

1. Don’t try to turn your child into something she’s not. As a parent, you might feel you’re responsible for how your child feels and behaves. If so, the choices she makes will feel very personal to you. You’ll find yourself trying to turn her into a positive person, a “Negative Nancy” into the proverbial “Sally Sunshine.” The result? She’ll work all the harder to resist you. This will cause you to push harder, creating more and more reactivity and negativity between the two of you. Remember, you’re not responsible for the choices your child makes about her attitudes or behaviors. Instead, you’re responsible for how you respond to these attitudes and behaviors.

2. Try to be nonjudgmental. As hard as it is, try not to be judgmental, critical, or defensive. So if your child says, “This food is gross,” don’t react by saying, “Why are you always so negative about everything? The least you could do is say thank you!” Instead, say something like, “Hmmm, I’m sorry you don’t like it,” or “Too bad you find it so unappealing,” or simply, “Oh.” Nothing more needs to be said.

Related: Why it’s better to take charge rather than try to take control as a parent.

3. Don’t personalize it. Try as hard as you can not to personalize your child’s negative attitude and constant complaining. Have a slogan in your head that helps you ignore some of his negative remarks. Try repeating the following to yourself: “It’s nothing personal and nothing to worry about. These are just feelings.”

4. Be direct. If your child launches into a venting session when you’re stressed out or in the middle of something, be clear and direct. You can say, “Sorry, but I’m not up for listening to this right now. Why don’t you save it for later, when I can focus on what you’re telling me?” That way, if your child really needs a sounding board and isn’t simply complaining for the sake of complaining, you’ll be able to give him your full attention and listen to what’s on his mind. (And maybe by that time, he’ll have worked through it on his own. In this way, your child will learn to rely on himself to calm his anxieties.)

5. Reflect but don’t react. If your child always has something negative to say, you can go with it without agreeing with him. If he says “It would have been a good day if I’d gotten a home run during recess,” you can say, “Yeah, really just to have that one extra thing, that would have made it better for you, huh?” Instead of trying to negate his negativity, listen to it and let it go. When your child is critical of something and then you’re critical of him being critical, it just adds to the cycle. Often we don’t hear ourselves complaining about our kids and we just pile it on. So try to be nonjudgmental about it.

6. Put a time limit on complaints. If your child is really a chronic complainer, you might consider putting a time limit on him. When your child launches into a complaining session, listen to what his beef is and then let him let him know he only has a few more minutes. You can say, “Okay Jackson, two more minutes to talk about how you hate math, and then we’re done with this subject today. I can’t hear anymore.” You can also The Total Transformation Program. Set aside a time each day, like after dinner, when your child has 10 minutes to complain about everything that’s bothering him. Limit it to that time of day and that amount of time. If he forgets and starts being critical about something, just remind him that he can tell you all about it at complaint time that night. You can also give him a journal in which he can write everything down. Another idea is to give your child five “complaint tickets” per day that he can use at any time. Each one is good for one complaint, but after the five are used up, no more. (This works well for younger kids.)

Related: How to give consequences that work.

7. Give honest feedback. Your ultimate goal is to let your child be who he is, but also to let him know that his attitude does have an impact. Giving him honest feedback is one of the best ways to set your own boundaries while respecting his. When he’s going on and on about something or someone, you can say, for example, “When I’m hearing too much of your criticisms and complaints, I find myself tuning it out.” You could also try saying something like, “Hey, I think I need to hear a few more positives right now because I’m getting zapped.”

Generally when you give authentic feedback, you’re just letting your child know that what he’s doing is not working for you right now. Again, simply complaining about his negativity is not necessarily going to be helpful. Instead, you need to be honest about it and let your child know what you’re feeling about the impact of moods, attitudes and words. That’s about you expressing you—not you criticizing him.

Related: How to avoid getting entangled in your child’s emotions—and parent more objectively and effectively.

A final piece of advice: When dealing with your negative child, be counter-intuitive. Again, while the goal of helping your child be a more positive person is a good one, trying to make him be one will backfire. Instead, do what is counter-intuitive: accept his negative feelings. His feelings are separate from you, so allow them without “futurizing” and personalizing and getting entangled. Don’t let your own anxiety about your child interfere. Rather, listen without criticism. Stand next to him, not joined to him. Only then will he stop being compelled to use his energy to fight you or defend himself from your criticism. With your acceptance, he’ll be free to begin thinking about how he wants to change and grow.

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

children, complaining, complaints, negativity, parents, teenagers, teens

Did you ever write something years ago and then come across it again later and it still makes you laugh?

I found a blog entry that I wrote six years ago and I think it needs a new version. In the original, I mentioned Madonna, Tom Brady, and the X-Box 360. Not that Madonna or Tom Brady are going anywhere any time soon. In fact, they’ve both been in the news recently. I’m sure the X Box 360 is just as popular as it always was. However, an updated updated version is fun too.

Here’s the new version:

In reference to kids who don’t pay any attention to their educational studies and the difficulty teachers have with getting kids to focus in class.

“Most kids couldn’t even find their own state on a map if you gave them a free Wii as an incentive! As for losing the children’s attention, there’s a shocker. Unless Lady Gaga is making a guest appearance in the classroom with Tim Tebow, no kidding that kids don’t pay attention.”Lady Gaga, Tebow, Tim, wii

Parenting an Angry, Explosive Teen: What You Should—and Shouldn’t—Do

When your teen is angry and screaming at you, the temptation for many of us is to fight back and scream louder so you “win” the argument. But what does that do? It’s natural to want to push back or stand up for yourself if someone pushes your buttons or provokes you in some way. We often unknowingly internalize this message and it becomes a parent’s mantra: “I’m not going to let my own child walk all over me.”

In addition to prolonging the argument—and encouraging your child to keep it going—yelling back also means that you’re giving up your power.

Related: Why “You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.”

The temptation to yell or fight back is so great that it can feel nearly impossible to resist. Yet giving in to that temptation can be quite costly in ways you probably didn’t realize. When you yell or scream back at your child, it simply challenges him and effectively “ups the ante.” To put it another way, it escalates the argument. Not only that, but it keeps the fight going longer—the more you try to “win” and come out on top, the more your child fights back, so the louder you yell, and then he starts throwing things… When does it end?

Understand that in addition to prolonging the argument—and encouraging your child to keep it going—yelling back also means that you’re giving up your power. You and your child are now on the same level; you’re equal. You are engaging in the same exact behavior and as long as you do that, you’re only going to get more of it from your child time and time again. By bringing you down to his level, your child gains the perception that he’s in control because he can make you lose control by getting you angry.

Related: How to step out of the daily power struggles with your child and start parenting effectively.

The Brain of an Angry Teen

First and foremost, it’s important to realize that even though adolescents might engage in adult-like behaviors or try to act like adults, they do not have the brains of adults. The brains of adolescents are still developing, and they continue to do so into their early to mid-twenties. That considered, it does not make sense to really expect children to act like we do as adults. In fact, kids often perceive things in a very different way than we do, in part due to faulty or distorted thinking. The danger comes in when they use this distorted thinking to justify or rationalize their angry behavior.

In the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman identifies several different kinds of faulty thinking that kids experience. Keep in mind that faulty thinking is not something someone engages in intentionally. Rather, these are automatic thoughts, like “It’s not my fault that I broke the door. I was mad at my brother.” Or, “My teacher’s a jerk. Why should I do what she says?” If you pay attention to your own thoughts, I’m sure you’ll find that you experience faulty thinking from time to time as well, because it doesn’t just occur in children—we all do it.

Related: Why faulty thinking is at the heart of irresponsibility and inappropriate behavior.

What Not to Do

Yell, curse, or name-call: There’s no excuse for abuse—not by your child and not by you. In the same way that playing the victim role is no excuse for your child to abuse someone else, your child abusing you does not excuse your yelling, cursing, or name-calling. Being verbally abusive to your child only makes things worse, both in the short-term when the argument escalates, and in the long-term when your child’s behavior doesn’t change and your relationship becomes strained.

Threaten with consequences: It’s always most effective to avoid threatening your child with specific consequences in the heat of the moment. For example, saying, “If you don’t stop, I’m taking your computer for 3 days” is not likely to get your child to suddenly stop yelling and retreat to his room. Instead, it will upset your child even more and keep the argument going. What’s more effective is to say, “If you choose not to go to your room and calm down, there will be a consequence later” and then walk away.

Related: How to give consequences effectively.

Attempt to control your child: This is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for parents. We hear from parents every day who, without realizing it, are trying to control their children. I think this is due, in part, to some common confusion about accountability and what that really means. Holding your child accountable does not result in a child who is obedient 100 percent of the time. It does not mean that your child will always choose to follow the rules even if you give him consequences consistently when he misbehaves. Accountability means that you set the rules and the limits, and you provide a consequence when your child decides to break the rules—period. The goal is not to prevent your child from ever breaking the rules. You’re not a puppeteer; you’re a limit-setter. Let your child make his own choice. Limits and rules were literally made to be crossed and broken because that’s how we, as humans, learn about consequences and accountability.

Another way to look at accountability is this: If your child doesn’t follow the rules, someone will find out and there will be a “price” to pay, a “cost” for his poor choice in the form of the temporary loss of a privilege he enjoys. When a child experiences this unpleasant outcome, he can use that information to help him think about things next time he is considering breaking the rules. He’ll learn to ask himself, “Is it worth it?” as he is making his choices in the future.

Get physical: This often goes hand in hand with trying to control your child. Your child didn’t turn the X-box off when you told him to, so you try to take the controller or the console itself in the heat of your argument when everyone’s emotions are running high. Or, your child threatens to leave the house when she’s angry so you try to physically keep her in the home by blocking her path or holding her back physically. Let me be clear: it’s not a good idea to get physical with your child, first and foremost because it shows your child that the way to gain control of a situation is to use physical force. Secondly, you run the risk of escalating the entire situation. Remember how we talked about that natural urge to fight back? Well, I’m sure you know that urge is very real for your teen as well. I’ve heard many stories from parents about their kids striking back in response to the parent getting physical with them first. Don’t risk it. It’s not worth it.

Try to “win”: If you’re one of those parents who already knows that the way to gain control of an argument with your child is to walk away and calm yourself down, then you can disregard this point. Realize that if you continue to try to “win” every battle with your child, you will lose “the war.” To be honest, I don’t like using “war” and “battle” comparisons because it makes it sound as if your child is your enemy. It may feel like it more often than not, but remember, your child is not really your enemy—he is a kid in need of some more effective problem-solving skills.

What I have found is that the goal for most parents I talk to is to raise their child to be respectful, accountable adults that can make it on their own in this world. If that’s the case for you, then think carefully about the battles along the way. James Lehman says, “Pick your battles, and be prepared to win the ones you pick.” This means asking yourself “Is it worth it?” before you go charging into “battle” with your child. It doesn’t mean to “win” by out-yelling your child—it means that you succeed by using effective strategies that are going to help you achieve that long-term goal.

What to Do: Try These Techniques Instead

Pick your battles and consider walking away: As mentioned above, ask yourself if it’s worth it to deal with this issue. Does it need to be dealt with right now? Should you take some time to calm down before you address it with your child? Are your buttons being pushed? Think about the situation carefully and allow some time for things to cool down. You can address it later if you still feel the issue is important after you’ve thought it through.

Use a business-like tone: James Lehman talks about the concept of treating your family like a business in the Total Transformation program. You’re the CEO of your “family business,” so when things are turbulent, remember to address your child in the same tone with which a professionally-mannered boss would address an employee with a performance issue. Stay calm and neutral, and stick to the facts.

Self-disclosure: Let your child know you’re having a hard time communicating with them in the moment. It’s perfectly okay to say things like, “It’s really hard for me to listen and talk to you when you’re screaming at me,” or “When you scream at me, I don’t really feel like helping you.” This is a simple way to set a limit with your child and let them know their behavior isn’t working.

Challenge your child’s thinking: When I say “challenge” here I don’t mean invite your child to keep sparring with you by saying things like, “You think you’re pretty tough, big guy!?” What I mean is to point out that his behavior is ineffective. Say to your child, “I know you want to go to the mall, but talking to me like that is not going to get you what you want,” or “I get that you’re angry, but screaming at me isn’t going to get me to let you play your video games before your homework is done.”

Related: Trapped in a screaming match with your child?

Last but not least, one of the single best ways to teach kids is by example. Role modeling is one of the key components of teaching kids how to behave. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you don’t want your child to yell at you, don’t yell at him. If you don’t want your child to curse, don’t curse. As James Lehman says, “You’ve got to model the behavior you want to see from your child.”

Sara A. Bean, M.Ed. holds a Masters Degree in Education with a concentration in School Counseling from Florida Atlantic University. She is a Certified School Counselor and a proud aunt to a 5 year-old girl. She has been with Legacy Publishing since 2009 working on the Parental Support Line. Sara has over 5 years of experience working with youth and families in private homes, residential group homes, and schools.

parenting help, parenting teens, parents, teenagers